Falling apart

Tonight on my way home that's just what I did! Fell apart while driving down the express way with the images of M & T flashing before  my eyes. As I turn down the last road home I hear Josh Wilson's song Fall Apart every word reminded me of why Greg and I where called to this adoption journey...It makes no sense why we would adopt not financially,or otherwise. People say you already have three kids! I want to give whats at the end of me ,coming with empty hands, God has provided and I have to see that to keep moving forward.
I came home and read an amazing blog of another family going through the adoption journey who have also hit bumps along the way and how God comforted them in return comforted me. Often I put on the happy face to not "scare" some one away from the idea of adopting. I have given myself far to much credit and have to remember God is in control not me. that is why I am sharing the broken pieces of my heart with you. I have for 10 months loved these boys, I received monthly photos of them and had them in an album on my computer, I would at night let the album roll across my screen and study their face's I watched them grow over that time. I would pause the picture and as any mother would I traced their eyes, nose and ears. studied face expressions. I turn on the computer and they are the screen saver. I imagined what it would be like the day I got to hugs them kiss them smell them.Tell them how much I love them .I have mourned the adoption by another family like a death in mine. .
They have not passed onto Heaven but into a family, just not mine as I prayed they would.
Greg and I faithfully placed them back on the waiting list knowing He would protect them, and He did
right into a family once again just not ours. Did I do something wrong, is the thought that scrolls through my mind. I know my Father better than that my Faith replies. I was blessed to foster the boys while their forever family prepared for them. that is how I see it and as the Song ends I find You when I fall apart. I know this is the beginning not the end, I pray for healing and the tears to stop. I want to feel like myself again and to do that I must give it to my Father.
Lots of prayers appreciated for the strenghth of the next leg of the Journey.